A few articles come up on the front page of google when you search ‘zero calorie foods’. I’ve never seen such a high concentration of stupidity in my life. It’s like someone distilled all of the stupid on the internet, and dumped it on to that results page.

The following one is my favourite. I’m pretty sure reading it lowered my IQ by 10 points: how to loose [sic] weight with negative calorie foods. Click below for their infographic if you’re feeling emotionally robust.


Looks like we got it all wrong guys: the apple is apparently a catabolic agent. God help you if you eat an apple while bulking, you’d lose all your gains.

Zero-Calorie foods: A Propane Perspective

1) The point of food is to contain calories. From an evolutionary perspective, we’re attracted to food so we don’t die.
2) There are no such thing as negative calorie foods. The closest thing to that would be metabolic upregulators with no energy content. The only ones I can think of would be cocaine, clenbuterol, burns, and minor surgery if you consider any of those to be food groups. And there might be trace calories in a line of cocaine.

From ‘Top 7 sneakiest fat loss tips’:

Top 6 'zero-calorie' foods Image.4

The closest thing you can aim for are foods with negligible calories: i.e. you could take the piss with them and they wouldn’t significantly use up your macronutrient allowance.

1) Konjac noodles, or ‘zero-noodles’

Didn’t expect much after reading the whiny-arse reviews on amazon for these. Made up a packet with shredded beef and mushrooms. Loved it. Immediately bought 36 packets.

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These taste more similar to rice-noodles than wheat-noodles, with a slightly more al-dente consistency. They are flavourless, and absorb adjacent flavours well. Adding them to something like shredded beef turns a potentially protein & veg-only meal into something you could even eat in front of people.

Many reviewers complained that these are flavourless. Since when do you eat regular noodles plain on their own? Goodness sake. Enough ranting.. too much caffeine today.

Top 6 'zero-calorie' foods Image

Source: You can buy these here.

2) Walden farms sauces

Walden farms have a full range of delicious zero-calorie sauces, made from vegetable fibre. Chocolate-peanut butter, marshmallow fruit dip, caramel sauce, sticky BBQ sauce, are a few in their range.

I’ve tried chocolate peanut butter, caramel sauce, and apple dip. All of which are great and certainly ‘hit the spot’ when put on some whey pancakes (6).

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3) Hartleys low calorie jelly

1.8g carbs per pot. Enough said. I hammer these.

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A friend of mine saw my grocery shop.. “that’s a lot of jelly for a grown man, Yusef”


4) Hot sauces

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Adding ketchup, mayonnaise, brown sauce will quickly throw off your macros, e.g. ketchup = 26g carbs per 100g. Things like barbecue sauce or mayonnaise are much worse.

Cooking with curry powders, stock, soy sauce, chilli sauce in place of oily curry paste, butter etc. saves a large amount of calories over the day.

^ from ‘7 things that enhance my life’ 

The next few items do contain calories, but they’re far more satiating than the foods of equivalent macros, counting towards your daily protein intake at a low cost. The principle comes down to rotating the calorie density of foods to match macronutrient targets

5) Green veg:

Aubergine, mushrooms, celery, cucumber, asparagus, lettuce, cabbage, spinach, garlic. These are not negative or even zero calorie, but I’d applaud you if you accidentally inhale a few stalks of broccoli while watching X-factor.

A current favourite is cauliflower rice: surprisingly tasty with a bit of seasoning. You can eat half a kilo of this stuff guilt free, with less than 20g carbs.

Cauliflower rice
Cauliflower rice

Mushrooms are another winner. Grilled with garlic or made into a soup to pad out a chicken breast

Top 6 'zero-calorie' foods Image

Broccoli & coconut soup:

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6) Whey pancakes

I have a confession: I don’t drink protein shakes anymore. If your macros allow, pancakes are a much more satiating way to eat your whey:

– 10g self-raising flour
– 1 scoop whey isolate
– 70ml skimmed milk
– 1 egg

The above mixture makes 6 (SIX!!!) pancakes. Flour is optional, or can be substituted for more flamboyant forms of flour like coconut powder, almond flour etc.

Cat M’s pancakes below:
Top 6 'zero-calorie' foods Image.1
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7) Propane latte

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I make one of these every morning – 1 scoop of whey isolate mixed into a coffee. Self evident macros. If you’re low carbing could can add peanut butter/cream etc.

8) Quest bars

See here for more info. 20g fibre and protein, satiating, and poo PBs every day. The oligosaccharides and whey combination also appears to modulate satiety (GLP1 & ghrelin), significantly reducing voluntary intake by 480kcal average.


Incorporate these low-calorie alternatives into your diet to maximise satiety without overshooting your calorie intake.

Via @revivestronger – so true

A post shared by PropaneFitness (@propanefitness) on

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